Soo much going on. inside. outside. Tired of being lost. Tired of being sad. Tired of being tired.
Feeling like no one understands, that I'm weak, that I should be stronger. That I should be able to handle this as a grown woman. But I can't.
I'm sensitive. Hyper, i know. I don't think a person like me is meant for a world like this. It forces us into the ugly. the dark places to hide. forces us to arm ourselves in ways never intended for such peaceful beings and creates confusion inside. Why am I mad? I just want to love. Why do I swing back? Because if their blows connect, I'm through. I want to love and care about everyone and I love and care about no one. I'm soo afraid of hurting that I've created my personal tomb and I don't know how to get out of it.
But there is still life!
in here somewhere.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
First stab
So i'm kinda over facebook. really just looking for an outlet. a proper one. to explain. share. talk myself through days i don't understand. I'd like to say i have it all figured out. But that would be a lie. Furthest thing from the truth really. Every time I think i know something, turns out I knew less than i did before. Positive I'm bi-polar. Undiagnosed for now. Till insurance carries over and i get a proper doctor. One who listens to me and doesn't tell me i'm just severly depressed. It's more than that.
I need a center. I strong point within me. A pillar i can stand on and know undoubtedly its a place that no one can move me from. I'm an emotional being. Always have been. And i'm ok with this. I prefer this to what i see in others. A complete lack of feeling. And through every trial of my life, i do get stronger and the tears don't come as easily. Although when they do, lord help us all.
Most of the time i feel like i'm standing in a stream. Sometimes it just rushes past me, my palms caressing the water and it flows by. Others i feel the current pulling me through it's whirlwind dance, and i'm tossed along the ride.
I guess i should really consider a personal journal, but part of my flaw is the need to have others hear me, understand me, know me. The curse of the artistic soul?
unfinished ideas. my specialty.
I need a center. I strong point within me. A pillar i can stand on and know undoubtedly its a place that no one can move me from. I'm an emotional being. Always have been. And i'm ok with this. I prefer this to what i see in others. A complete lack of feeling. And through every trial of my life, i do get stronger and the tears don't come as easily. Although when they do, lord help us all.
Most of the time i feel like i'm standing in a stream. Sometimes it just rushes past me, my palms caressing the water and it flows by. Others i feel the current pulling me through it's whirlwind dance, and i'm tossed along the ride.
I guess i should really consider a personal journal, but part of my flaw is the need to have others hear me, understand me, know me. The curse of the artistic soul?
unfinished ideas. my specialty.
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